omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i dont even know how to be here
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
