Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
