OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
