my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
