"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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