I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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