The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
