You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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