hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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