grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
