that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
