Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
