A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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