I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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