My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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