my phone needs a breathalizer
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I need moral support for this bender
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
