Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
