His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
