Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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