You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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