Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
