Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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