i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
