i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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