I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
