i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
