you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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