It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
