Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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