Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
