The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
