I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
