wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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