I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
