Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
