I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
