i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
