when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
