why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he fucked my hip out of place.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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