On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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