On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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