Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize