a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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