We're facebook friends in real life
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
