i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
