My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
