420 ftw
Jerry, you need to find god
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
