Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
