i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
