The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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