I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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