is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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