I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
