Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It was confusing and full of hummus
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
