I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
