After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
