Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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