So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
